How to Work Out What Matters
Raise your hand if you've ever been asked by a therapist to talk about your values. If so, you may have rattled off a list of platitudes. Or you may have said something like, “I just want to be happy.” Truth is, values are not easy to articulate, even for the most self-actualized humans out there.
So what are values exactly and why are they so hard to identify?
Values are what you deem most important in life. They are not the same as goals. They are what drives you to do the things you do and be the kind of person you want to be. They can even act as your North Star, guiding you through decisions, relationships, goal-setting and the ups and downs of life.
Psychiatrist, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, tells us that "real self-care" begins with doing the hard work of pinning down our values and then making a habit of periodically checking-in with ourselves to make sure we’re engaging in activities that align with them. "Identifying our values in an explicit way emboldens us to make clear choices. And those choices lead to purpose and a sense of fulfillment." (Lakshmin, 164).
It's worth noting that there’s no simple way to work out your “why” without a lot of self-reflection. Remember, your values are informed by your sense of self, life experiences and external factors such as family and society. If you fail to get clear on what you value, you can easily fall into the trap of setting goals based on what you think you should be doing. Psychologist, Dr. Julie Smith, says, “beware of those musts and shoulds … the relentless expectations that send us on a downward spiral of unhappiness (Smith, 25).
How Can I Find What Matters Most?
Start with a List
Take a look at this list of common values and write down which ones resonate with you. You can add to or delete from the list as you wish. Keep in mind that values are action-oriented. For example, “I want to feel happy” is not a value because happiness is a feeling, not a behavior.
You can narrow the list by grouping similarities. For example, if you value commitment, discipline and reliability, you could say that you ultimately value dependability.
Acceptance, Ambition, Adventure, Attention to Detail, Autonomy, Authenticity, Bravery, Belonging, Creativity, Commitment, Compassion, Curiosity, Connection, Courage, Determination, Dependability, Discipline, Faith, Fairness, Flexibility, Friendship, Generosity, Humility, Humor, Hope, Honesty, Independence, Integrity, Justice, Kindness, Loving, Learning, Loyalty, Open-Mindedness, Patience, Reliability, Risk-Taking, Respect, Safety, Service, Stability, Spirituality, Self-Awareness, Steadfastness, Strength, Sustainability, Sincerity, Trustworthiness, Understanding, Work-Ethic
If you feel overwhelmed, try asking yourself questions like:
What principles do I want to stand for?
What contribution do I want to make?
What past decisions have brought me the most happiness?
What past decisions have left me feeling conflicted or uneasy?
When have I felt most proud of myself?
What hobbies or leisure activities cause me to lose track of time?
What qualities or attitudes do I want to bring to a specific area of my life?
While narrowing down your list, keep in mind that you can consider values in the context of decisions. Say you value both dependability and attention to detail. If you’re working to get a project completed by a deadline, would you feel better about getting the project in on time in a less than perfect state? Or would you rather turn it in late in a state that meets your expectations?
Rank Your Values
Think about your values in relation to specific areas of your life such as: relationships, work/education, personal growth/health, spirituality, community, creativity, parenting and leisure. It helps to use a blank grid so that you can get a look at the sometimes competing priorities in your life.
Take a page from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and rank how important each area is on a scale of 0-10, 10 being the highest and 0 being no importance at all. Then rate how closely you feel you’re living in line with those values using the same scale, 10 being highly in line and 0 not at all.
If the difference between the rating of importance and the rating of how closely you’re living in line with it is large, then that’s a good indicator you’ve been pulled away from what you deem most important. For example, if lifelong learning is a big deal to you and you give it a 10, but you rank how much you’re living in line with it as a 1 (because you spend most of your free time mindlessly scrolling social media), then that’s your clue that you need to make positive changes in that specific area of your life.
Take Time for Check-Ins
Your values can change over time depending on your stage in life and circumstances. It's crucial to show yourself compassion when you get pulled away. Life happens. What really matters is that you make time for regular check-ins and ask yourself which way you are heading. Do I want to be moving in this direction? If not, how can I get back on track and head toward what matters most to me?