When Grief Gets Complicated
Grief is one of the hardest things we humans face because it’s about learning to live with a loss that can feel unbearable. It shakes up everything—our emotions, our sense of self and even our connection to the world around us. The pain can come in waves, and just when we think we're okay, something reminds us of what’s missing. It’s a slow, difficult process of adjusting to a life that is changed.
When grief persists and doesn’t improve, it can turn into something we call complicated grief. This is when the pain of losing someone remains intense and overwhelming, making it hard to heal or move forward.
The DSM-5 now officially recognizes this as Prolonged Grief Disorder, with the diagnosis hinging on intense, long-lasting grief that disrupts daily life for more than 12 months. People might feel like a part of themselves died along with their loved one. They also may experience extreme sorrow and struggle with a sense of disbelief or emotional numbness. It goes beyond just feeling sad—it’s about a total disruption to the ability to function or even imagine a future without the person lost.
Dr. Robert Neimeyer, a big name in grief research, talks about how complicated grief often comes down to struggles with making sense of the loss. It’s like you can’t quite figure out how to fit this loss into your life story. You’re still trying to live, but you feel frozen in time, as if life can’t really go on without your person.
What Neimeyer highlights is the importance of meaning-making—helping people reshape the story of their loss in a way that allows them to move forward, without feeling like they’re leaving their loved one behind.
And then there’s the brain science, which is fascinating and kind of explains why it feels so impossible to move through complicated grief. Neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor has done incredible work showing that when we’re grieving, especially in a complicated way, our brain is still firing in the same circuits it used when our loved one was alive. It’s like the brain is stuck looking for our person, expecting to be reunited, even though we know on a rational level they’re gone. This creates a loop of fierce yearning that makes it even harder to heal.
So how do we untangle ourselves from this? Therapy for complicated grief often involves getting to the heart of that pain—facing it head on, but also finding ways to carry the love and memories without being consumed by the loss. It’s about learning to live with the grief in a way that lets you build a life again, even when it feels too hard.
If you’re struggling with grief of any kind, know that it’s not about being weak or “stuck” in the traditional sense. Your brain, your emotions and your sense of meaning are all wrapped up in a profound response to loss—and there’s help out there to navigate through it. Grief may never fully disappear, but it can soften, and you can find your way back to life.
Lemi Mental Health can help.